The Peaceful Parenting Letter · Monthly Issue
The Mom You Want to Be
How to stop parenting on autopilot and let your own values decide the hard moments.
The Problem
You know exactly the kind of mom you want to be: warm, steady, the one your kids come to. Then 6:45pm arrives. Someone spills, someone whines, someone won't put shoes on, and out comes a voice you don't recognize. Afterwards the guilt lands hard, and you promise tomorrow will be different. It isn't, because in the moment you were never actually choosing. Stress chose for you.
The Skill: Values Clarification
In DBT, a value is not a rule and not a goal you can fail. It's a direction you keep turning toward. Values Clarification means naming the two or three things you want your parenting to stand for, before the hard moment, so that in the hard moment you have something to steer by other than your stress level.
The Solution
Name your values before the hard moment, keep them somewhere you'll see them, and in the moment ask one question: what would a patient mom do in the next sixty seconds? That's a question you can always answer, even at 6:45pm.
A Real Scenario
Shani has twenty minutes to get four kids out the door. Her eight-year-old announces he's not wearing the coat. Old Shani escalates: threats, countdown, yelling, everyone in the car crying. This morning her values are on the fridge: calm, connection, respect. She takes one breath and asks what a calm, connected mom does here. Not "win the coat." She crouches down: "You really don't want it. It's freezing — carry it or wear it, you pick." He grabs it and stomps to the car. Nobody cried.
Take It With You
- Name 3 values you want your parenting to stand for (calm, honesty, closeness, respect...).
- Write them where you'll see them: phone lock screen, fridge, bathroom mirror.
- In a hard moment, pause and ask: "What would a patient mom do right now?"
- Pick one small action that matches the value, not the feeling.
- At bedtime, score your day 1-10 on living your values, not on your kids' behavior.
- Repair when you miss it. Living your values includes apologizing.
Upcoming Events
Parent Coaching Lunch and Learn
Every Thursday · 12:00 PM Eastern
A free weekly workshop: bring your lunch and a parenting moment, leave with a DBT-based tool you can use that afternoon.
Join here →
Free Resources from Partners
- Child Mind Institute – Parenting Guides
Free, clinician-written guides on tantrums, anxiety and discipline you can read in five minutes.
- Zero to Three – Parenting Resources
Free age-by-age tools for the early years, including scripts for big feelings at bedtime and drop-off.
- Segall Coaching – Free Parenting Guide
My own free guide to breaking the yelling cycle with DBT skills, delivered straight to your inbox.
If the hard moments keep winning, let's talk it through together.