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The mom you want to be at 9am is not the mom who shows up at 6:45pm.

Not because you're failing. Because at 6:45pm nobody is choosing anything — stress is choosing for you.

In DBT we call the fix Values Clarification. You name two or three things you want your parenting to stand for BEFORE the hard moment, so you have something to steer by other than your stress level.

The question stops being "how do I make this stop?"
It becomes "what would a patient mom do in the next sixty seconds?"

Shani, mom of four, has hers on the fridge: calm, connection, respect. Her 8-year-old refused his coat this morning. Instead of the countdown-and-yell, she crouched down: "You really don't want it. It's freezing — carry it or wear it, you pick." He stomped to the car holding it. Nobody cried.

The coat was never the point. The two seconds of choosing were.

Try it this week:
• Name 3 values your parenting stands for
• Put them where you'll see them
• In the hard moment, ask what a "calm mom" does next
• Score your day on your values, not your kids' behavior
• Repair when you miss it — that counts too

I built a free 4-minute interactive Values Clarifier from my book, The Peaceful Parenting Solution. No signup: https://segallcoaching.com/values-clarifier

Devora Segall, LCSW | Segall Coaching LLC
devora@segallcoaching.com | 1-732-523-0370

#ParentCoaching #PeacefulParenting #DBT #Motherhood

Subject: The mom you want to be at 9am vs. 6:45pm

Hi {{first_name}},

You know exactly the kind of mom you want to be: warm, steady, the one your kids come to. Then 6:45pm arrives — someone spills, someone whines, nobody will put shoes on — and out comes a voice you don't recognize. Then the guilt.

THE PROBLEM
When parenting runs on reaction instead of direction, every day feels like a verdict on whether you're a good mom.

THE SKILL: VALUES CLARIFICATION
A value isn't a rule you can fail. It's a direction you keep turning toward. Name the two or three things you want your parenting to stand for BEFORE the hard moment, and in the hard moment you have something to steer by other than your stress level.

"What would a patient mom do in the next sixty seconds?" is a question you can always answer — even at 6:45pm.

A REAL MOMENT
Shani has twenty minutes to get four kids out the door, and her 8-year-old announces he's not wearing the coat. Her values are on the fridge: calm, connection, respect. She takes one breath and crouches down: "You really don't want it. It's freezing — carry it or wear it, you pick." He grabs it and stomps to the car. Nobody cried. The coat was never the point.

TAKE IT WITH YOU
• Name 3 values you want your parenting to stand for
• Write them where you'll see them — lock screen, fridge, mirror
• In a hard moment, pause and ask what a patient mom would do
• Pick one small action that matches the value, not the feeling
• At bedtime, score yourself on your values, not your kids' behavior
• Repair when you miss it — apologizing is living your values

YOUR FREE INTERACTIVE TOOL
Find your three values in about 4 minutes, with the clarifier from The Peaceful Parenting Solution. No signup: https://segallcoaching.com/values-clarifier

FREE RESOURCES FROM PARTNERS
• Child Mind Institute – Parenting Guides: free clinician-written guides on tantrums, anxiety and discipline you can read in five minutes. https://childmind.org/guides/
• Zero to Three – Parenting Resources: free age-by-age tools for the early years, including scripts for bedtime and drop-off. https://www.zerotothree.org/parenting/
• Segall Coaching – Free Parenting Guide: my guide to breaking the yelling cycle with DBT skills. https://pages.segallcoaching.net/free-guide

If the hard moments keep winning, let's talk it through together — book a free 30-minute call at https://segallcoaching.com

Warmly,
Devora Segall, LCSW
Segall Coaching LLC · Licensed Therapist & Parenting Coach
devora@segallcoaching.com · 1-732-523-0370 · segallcoaching.com